All-Inclusive
“Welcome to the Gran Castillo Tagoro All-Inclusive Hotel and Resort in Playa Blanca, Lanzarote” the man on the front desk's attitude seems to say. Then, his mouth says “Please enjoy your stay. If you need anything, please do not hesitate to ring the front desk and ask for me, Haysoos, or – as you would probably pronounce it – Jesus". "I’m no miracle worker, but I’ll do my best!” He jokes for the 15th time that morning. His mouth is smiling, but his eyes look all sad.
“I’ll have someone take your bags to your room if you would like to make your way to the restaurant. Breakfast is currently being served…”
Mm, the buffet. What would you like to eat? Eggs? (yes). Bacon? (yes). Mini pain-au-raisin? (yes). Toast? (yes). Yoghurt? (yes). Salad? (yes). Sardines? (yes). Cereal? (yes). Small-dry-bread-roll-with-salami-and-processed-cheese-like-all-the-German-people-seem-to-be-getting? (yes). Just relax and get what you want, baby. It’s all-inclusive. While you eat your breakfast, you look over to the egg station and see a man with a medieval knight holding an England flag tattooed on his calf muscle. He is picking up boiled eggs and trying to covertly put them into the pocket of his cargo shorts. You watch in awe as he crams a round dozen of them in, only stopping when weft of the linen starts to bulge eggily. Why so many? Doesn’t he know lunch is included? Ha ha ha. Shine on, you crazy egg man.
Breakfast is over. It’s 10:30 am, which means it’s time to start drinking.
You take your place on your sun lounger next to the pool. You’re here to relax, and the orange wristband you have on means you’re entitled to house lager; red, white, or sparkling wine; and all non-branded spirits. No one wants to be the first person of the day to start drinking because that person would have a problem... but the second? Well, then you’re just embracing the laidback Latin vibe. You look around you and try to surmise whether anyone else has started boozing yet. A woman approaches the bar and everyone around the pool lowers their shades…
Damn, she’s just got a cortado. You all sag in your loungers. A couple of minutes pass without lubrication… But wait! Who’s this? The very tired-looking man who is on holiday with his 3-month-old baby and has been awake since 4.30 am is getting half a lager! Okay barkeep, let’s fuck. Now you basically just sit here and drink half pints til lunch.
Back to the buffet. It’s basically the same experience as breakfast, except now there's chicken and it’s perfectly acceptable to drink wine. You’re starting to feel really relaxed. It’s probably time for an afternoon nap, or as it’s known in Spanish, El Nappo.
You wake up on your sun lounger with a headache and a red face. It might be something to do with the fact you have drank no water at all since you arrived. Make sure to have a lager top for hydration. You decide to head to the adults-only pool.
While floating around on your pink lilo you take in your surroundings. The Brochure made the adults-only pool look like some kind of care free sexy utopia. In reality, it’s just the only place you’re allowed to smoke. Most people here are in their late sixties and are trying their absolute hardest to get skin cancer. Listen closely and you can hear their flesh sizzle in the gorgeous Atlantic sunshine. You come over peckish for a pack of Walker's smokey bacon or, as they’re called here, Lays.
“AAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!”
A high-pitched wail pierces the air like a hot scream through chatter. Over in the shallow end, a woman in a t-shirt with a slogan that says Miami and a limp that says “I’ve just ripped off my big toenail in the filter grate” is hobbling out of the pool leaving a trail of blood in her wake.
Pandemonium.
Everyone in the pool scrabbles for the edge, you flail your limbs around on your lilo in an attempt to paddle but you’re face up and it doesn’t work. In the end, you just bail out and do the kind of three-limbed breaststroke you have to do to keep your house cocktail of the day above the water. Very quickly the pool is empty, save for some abandoned inflatables and a toenail from Essex. You quite fancy some pork scratchings now as well. Dinnertime!
You will visit this buffet 21 times this week. Cook one thing well? Nonsense. Cook loads of different stuff to a mediocre level and pile it high. Will they want sushi and carbonara on the same day, on the same plate? Of course they fucking will. Grab a shovel and dig in. It’s all bought and paid for. Get a red wine and tell the server to leave the bottle. After your meal you’ve had so much to relax today that it’s actually quite hard to walk straight. Time to head to the entertainment area and just "cool it" with some Bailons Irish Crum.
There's a different type of entertainment every night of the week at this hotel. You’ll get all the different kinds: Man-singer, woman-singer, magician, and quiz. Today is Friday and that’s the best night of all–it’s the all guest talent show. Grab a vodka and energy drink because, as my dad told me when he got back off holiday, “they’re good son, because the first one brings you up, and the second one brings you back down”. Please, don’t forget to relax.
First-up to the stage is a woman singing Despaçito. Then, a boy doing keepie-uppies, an old man singing My Way by Frank Sinatra, and then, after crying because she also wanted to sing Despaçito, a young girl sings Despaçito again. Most of the acts continue in this vein until one that really catches your eye:
“Next up we have Andy from Basingstoke, who’s going to juggle!”
A man takes the stage who you think you recognise, but in your state of wine-baileys-vodka relaxation, it’s quite hard to see straight.
"What are you going to be juggling for us, Andy?"
"Eggs”, he replies.
Egg man.
Andy goes on to absolutely delight the crowd with an expert display of egg chuckery. He’s got all the moves–round-and-roundies, three-egg-flipper, that one where they have one-hand-up-one-hand-down... it’s very clear that he’s been practicing.
And it’s then that you realise something, something important; Eggs. Eggs can be dinner and a show.
Mdf layers, sprayed and painted by hand.
100 x 74 x 5cm
